No Food or Drink.

Is that statement confusing to you? It shouldn't be, but I can tell it is.

NO FOOD OR DRINK. Ok, except my coffee? Sure, I can let that slide. It's early, you're grumpy, I got it.

What about my fried chicken leg? No. NO! Come on people!

Yeah I see the sign while I drink some water on the way home from the gym. Occasionally I'll sneak a bite of my morning bagel if the train isn't too crowded; but there is a line--I'd like to call it reason.

Is it reasonable for someone to sip on a caffeinated beverage on the bus? I'm thinking, yes.

Is it reasonable for someone to pull small bottles of alcohol out of their pocket, slurp the contents down and then discard it on the floor of the train. I'm leaning towards no.

Now, I'm really gonna stretch it.

To me, it's most definitely unreasonable for someone to board the bus clenching a half-eaten fried chicken leg, open bag of greasy potato chips, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, and a can of black beans. As if the combination of those things didn't make you want to yack just a little, know that this scenario is not fiction. And, reading about it here is much different than having those smells plop on down next to you.

Freshly showered and wearing clean, newly washed clothes, I boarded the 6-Parnassus heading inbound one early, weekday morning. As usual most seats were taken except for two in the very back row. I sat down, the last empty seat to my left and a woman playing with her iphone on my right.

At the next step a woman stumbled aboard without flashing a pass or sliding in two bucks inside the payment slot. She was mumbling something inaudible and heading right for me--well, the spot next to me.

Of course, she is the drumstick-clenching woman I eluded to above. She parked herself and her make-shift picnic on the seat next to me and began to finish her food on-the-go.

I was a fool to think this woman would eat her food in peace.

She sang into her drumstick like a microphone and let pieces of half-chewed, greasy potato chips spew out at her audience, bowing (almost falling into my lap) at the end each song. After her performance she lashed out at the spectators. Come on! If you put on a show, people gonna watch (no matter how horrible)!

"Whatareyoulookin'at," she slurred at no one in particular. "You'realljustjealous," she rationalized.

Her mumbling persisted while her drumstick mic transformed yet again into some kind of glass which she raised to each rider, "Thisistoyooou," she grumbled out while shoving her face with black beans.

Distracted by her own distraction, the drool-covered, smell-infested (did I forget to mentiontoothless?) woman lost track of the bus's progress and missed her stop. Hey, if you can't handle eating and riding the bus, maybe you shouldn't put your meal on wheels, hu?

Her bothersome behavior escalated involving the whole bus in her missed-stop-tragedy, "Stompthebus!" her outburst caused a catastrophic spill of the beans that missed my leg by inches and her careless disregard for chips resulted in some passengers getting a lap-full.

Once she de-boarded, the entire bus exhaled a sigh of relief and people's focus shifted back to the isolation of iphones and pods--the way mass transit is intended.